dodger_sister (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dodger_sister) wrote2016-03-24 05:12 pm
dodger_sister) wrote2016-03-24 05:12 pm
The Long-Awaited Mom Update.
So, I owe you all a Mom update. This is long, I have to go back to, uh, January, I guess it was. There was a Wednesday when my sister went to visit Mom at rehab and her breathing didn’t sound very good. Sis wanted to know what the doctor said. “Oh, I haven’t seen a doctor,” Mom tells her. Then on Sunday, Sis takes Mom to visit a sick friend. After they leave, Sis says, “So, shall we go to the ER?” Mom is taken aback, why would they? Sis is like, “If I sounded like you, I’d go to the ER.” Mom pooh-poohs her.
Then on Tuesday, the nurse from rehab calls to say that Mom can’t breath without tons of oxygen and they want her to go to the hospital, but Mom is refusing. There’s definite swelling and they suspect congestive heart failure. The next day rehab calls Sis to tell her that if Mom won’t go to the hospital - as she is still refusing - that they need her to sign a DNR and a waiver so, basically, we can’t sue them when she dies, because, as they say, she will die. So Little Brother is like, “Mom, listen, it’s not ‘go to the hospital, this is terrible, rush you away,’ it’s that there is a pill for this, but your levels have to be monitored constantly and they can’t do it at rehab. There’s so much bloodwork and they have to constantly check your organs and stuff, so just go to the hospital so you can take this simple pill for a few days.” He made it sound like it was not a big deal, so she was not so overwhelmed. By the time Sis got out of work, Mom was at the hospital. (She wanted to go to the cardiac hospital, but the ambulance refused to drive her that far, so she went to the local hospital, but no one told us the ambulance changed their mind, so for about 45 minutes there, we lost our mother!)
Anyways, she was bad. On a respirator, unresponsive, bad. I saw her Thursday and when I got home, I called Canadian Brother and told him to come. He did, drove 14 straight hours on Friday to get here. We weren’t sure she’d still be alive when he got here, but she was. She is, still, don’t worry. By the time he went to drive home on Monday, she was off the respirator, aware of her surroundings, better. But we really thought that was the last thing her body could handle.
Fast forward to now and her congestive heart failure is relatively under control, the pneumonia is gone and she is released from the rehab. Not because she is well enough to be released though, just because her insurance won’t cover rehab anymore. She is still weak, using a walker, can’t use her right arm at all because she refused proper PT after her shoulder surgery, BP is way low all the time. She is half not-well because her body is kicking her ass and half not-well because she won’t do the work.
When she goes to get released, we had told our uncle who was dropping her at my aunt’s where she will be staying for a month or so, “Do not leave her until you have witnessed her putting the Life Alert bracelet on.” Okay, he says, but when they get to Aunt’s house, they can’t find the life alert bracelet, so instead off bringing her to my house or anything, he leaves her there alone with no life alert. 1 ½ hours into her release from rehab, she falls off the toilet. Apparently it was too low and she couldn’t stand up off it by herself, but since she couldn’t just push her life alert button, she instead slid to the floor and then crawled back to the living room and pulled herself up into her chair. Then she had to go to the bathroom later, but refused to call anyone for help and yelled at me when I tried to find someone to help her. No, no, she’ll just hold it all afternoon.
So, yeah, she’s out of rehab now, even though she shouldn’t be. She won’t do her exercises or eat and she lies to all her doctors about that stuff. She keeps talking about when she goes home, which I never see happening, but she can’t live on a cot in my aunt’s living room forever, so…idk. But she refuses to wear her life alert half the time or ask for help for major things (only for little things that she freaks out about like how she need stamps!) and basically, it’s time for me to take my own life back.
So I call her once a week on Fridays now, to get the list of errands she needs Sis to do for her that weekend and I don’t answer the phone when she calls, I wait and see what she says on the message. 9/10 she just says, “Are you there? Can you pick up?” and doesn’t say what she wants, so she doesn’t get a call back. I’ve been through this with her enough times that she knows she has to say what she wants - years of drilling that into her and if she can’t get it, well, that’s not my problem. It’s sad to kind of reach this state with her, but she won’t do for herself and you can’t help someone that doesn’t want help and the day we reached the 6 month anniversary mark of her broken shoulder/heart attacks/surgery, I basically decided it was time to wash my hands, as best I could anyways.
What’s next for her? She can’t stay at my aunt’s forever, so idk. Maybe she really will go home. But one thing is for sure, she can’t have Winston back. He’s my puppy now!
Then on Tuesday, the nurse from rehab calls to say that Mom can’t breath without tons of oxygen and they want her to go to the hospital, but Mom is refusing. There’s definite swelling and they suspect congestive heart failure. The next day rehab calls Sis to tell her that if Mom won’t go to the hospital - as she is still refusing - that they need her to sign a DNR and a waiver so, basically, we can’t sue them when she dies, because, as they say, she will die. So Little Brother is like, “Mom, listen, it’s not ‘go to the hospital, this is terrible, rush you away,’ it’s that there is a pill for this, but your levels have to be monitored constantly and they can’t do it at rehab. There’s so much bloodwork and they have to constantly check your organs and stuff, so just go to the hospital so you can take this simple pill for a few days.” He made it sound like it was not a big deal, so she was not so overwhelmed. By the time Sis got out of work, Mom was at the hospital. (She wanted to go to the cardiac hospital, but the ambulance refused to drive her that far, so she went to the local hospital, but no one told us the ambulance changed their mind, so for about 45 minutes there, we lost our mother!)
Anyways, she was bad. On a respirator, unresponsive, bad. I saw her Thursday and when I got home, I called Canadian Brother and told him to come. He did, drove 14 straight hours on Friday to get here. We weren’t sure she’d still be alive when he got here, but she was. She is, still, don’t worry. By the time he went to drive home on Monday, she was off the respirator, aware of her surroundings, better. But we really thought that was the last thing her body could handle.
Fast forward to now and her congestive heart failure is relatively under control, the pneumonia is gone and she is released from the rehab. Not because she is well enough to be released though, just because her insurance won’t cover rehab anymore. She is still weak, using a walker, can’t use her right arm at all because she refused proper PT after her shoulder surgery, BP is way low all the time. She is half not-well because her body is kicking her ass and half not-well because she won’t do the work.
When she goes to get released, we had told our uncle who was dropping her at my aunt’s where she will be staying for a month or so, “Do not leave her until you have witnessed her putting the Life Alert bracelet on.” Okay, he says, but when they get to Aunt’s house, they can’t find the life alert bracelet, so instead off bringing her to my house or anything, he leaves her there alone with no life alert. 1 ½ hours into her release from rehab, she falls off the toilet. Apparently it was too low and she couldn’t stand up off it by herself, but since she couldn’t just push her life alert button, she instead slid to the floor and then crawled back to the living room and pulled herself up into her chair. Then she had to go to the bathroom later, but refused to call anyone for help and yelled at me when I tried to find someone to help her. No, no, she’ll just hold it all afternoon.
So, yeah, she’s out of rehab now, even though she shouldn’t be. She won’t do her exercises or eat and she lies to all her doctors about that stuff. She keeps talking about when she goes home, which I never see happening, but she can’t live on a cot in my aunt’s living room forever, so…idk. But she refuses to wear her life alert half the time or ask for help for major things (only for little things that she freaks out about like how she need stamps!) and basically, it’s time for me to take my own life back.
So I call her once a week on Fridays now, to get the list of errands she needs Sis to do for her that weekend and I don’t answer the phone when she calls, I wait and see what she says on the message. 9/10 she just says, “Are you there? Can you pick up?” and doesn’t say what she wants, so she doesn’t get a call back. I’ve been through this with her enough times that she knows she has to say what she wants - years of drilling that into her and if she can’t get it, well, that’s not my problem. It’s sad to kind of reach this state with her, but she won’t do for herself and you can’t help someone that doesn’t want help and the day we reached the 6 month anniversary mark of her broken shoulder/heart attacks/surgery, I basically decided it was time to wash my hands, as best I could anyways.
What’s next for her? She can’t stay at my aunt’s forever, so idk. Maybe she really will go home. But one thing is for sure, she can’t have Winston back. He’s my puppy now!
no subject
The thing is, if she refuses to help herself, she shouldn't be allowed to manipulate you into doing it. As painful as it is, you're right that you need your life back and get in control of this mess. If she were doing her exercises and not lying to the doctor (!!!) and at least making an effort to get better, that would be one thing. But it seems to me that she has decided to shut down and leave everything about her care to you guys! That must be incredibly frustrating for you.
*hugs* that you get through this.
no subject
The thing is, she wants to go home, so badly. But she doesn't want to do the work to get there. It's like she thinks it'll just happen. But it doesn't work like that. Her body is pushing against her, if she doesn't push back, she won't ever get anywhere. Wishful thinking doesn't actually work!
So, for reasons, she has to stay here for the week. I laid down pretty hard boundaries and once she settled in, it hasn't been terrible. But I have been witness to her own self-sabotage. Like walking around without her walker while carrying a wet washcloth that was dripping wet water onto the floor and making it all slick and wet and her without her walker, omg! I keep saying, "You're an adult, you can do what you want," because it's none of my business, but it's like she wants to fall down again or something. It really is self-sabotage and she is completely unaware.
Still, I'm sticking to my boundaries, even with her in the house, so it' s going okay-ish. I mean, she's driving me nuts in her regular Mom way, but I'm staying out of the rest of it.