Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed In Public by Dodger_Sister

[dodger_sister]

It is sleeting out. I came out of physical therapy and it was sleeting. By the time I got in the car, I had ice chunks in my hair. Serious.

Anyways, I am back at physical therapy now. Last week I had my first appointment and the following conversation...

(Bear in mind that I have ranted at Kevin about Twilight before, which he thought was hysterical how worked up I got, and apparently his Office Manager is crazy about Edward).

The Office Manager of all the locations comes in and is complaining about some guy at one of the other clinics.

Kevin: Every time I see you, you are complaining about some guy who you can't even tell me why he bothers you so much. What is your problem with men lately? Maybe you should go live in Boston or San Fransisco. (idek, that makes no sense but he said 'Boston' with such disdain).

Me: No one should live in San Fransisco. It is full of damn dirty hippies.
OM: /laughs/ I just don't know why we have to put up with men.
Me: Technically, in this day and age, we don't actually need men.
Kevin: You need parts of men.
Me: You can order things on the internet that are equally as good, sweetheart.
Kevin: If you want to have babies, you need men.
OM: You can go to a clinic for that.
Kevin: You can't get the stuff from the clinic without a man to donate it.
Me: Valid. But we wouldn't have to interact with a man to get it.

A second of silence and then Kevin looks right at his Office Manager and says...

Kevin: So, you don't need Edward from Twilight for anything?
OM: Oh, I need Edward for all kinds of things.
Me: WHAT?! No. Edward is a controlling abusive boyfriend who teaches our teenage daughters horrible things about relationships and sex.
Kevin: Here we go.
OM: But he is so dreamy.
Me: That's Robert Pattinson that's dreamy. He's awesome, you should love Robert Pattinson. Edward is a manipulative stalker.
OM: But it's romantic.
Me: It's abusive.

Then I hear this snicker and I look over and Kevin is just smirking right at me and he says...

Kevin: You two aren't going to be best friends now, are you?

That sneaky son of a...

Then this Aide comes over.

Aide: You know what bugs me? Why is Bella such an idiot? I mean, how are these two guys fighting over her when she is so boring and stupid?
Me: She's a twat, is what you are saying?
OM: What?!
Me: You know how that book should have ended? Bella gets her face eaten off and Jacob and Edward run away together.
Aide: I don't know if I'd go that far.
Kevin: Wow. If those two dudes had a baby together, it would be like the best looking kid on the planet.
Me: It could happen.
Kevin: How?
Me: Vampires are supernatural. Werewolves are supernatural. You don't think there is a supernatural way for a man to have a baby?
Kevin: But...how...where...does the baby...I just keep trying to picture it.
OM: Wouldn't happen. Vampires and werewolves wouldn't crossbreed. Don't you know anything about their society?!
Aide: That Bella chick is going to be Snow White in the new movie.
OM: Which new movie? They are making two Snow Whites.
Me: The one with Ian McShane as a dwarf? That's the one I want.
Kevin: Who is Ian McShane?
Me: He was on Deadwood. I hope his dwarf character is all Al Swearengen.
Aide: I don't know Deadwood. I don't get HBO.
OM: You know what is good on HBO? True Blood.
Kevin: What's True Blood?
Me and the OM together: Vampire Porn.

Kevin: This just got weird. You, (to the aide) go work. You, (to the office manager) go home and watch your vampire porn before your kids get out of school.

I can't remember the last time I had a normal conversation with someone.

At today's appointment, Kevin and I talked about porn. No, really. I actually said the words, "a street gang of porn stealers". Idek. He started it.

I bet for a second there, he actually thought he missed me. And then I talked about werewolf/vampire mpreg.

ETA: Kevin just showed up at my door. I left my Nintendo DS and my IPod at the clinic so he came by the house to return them. I didn't answer the door because I was in my room playing my music too loud and I didn't hear the door knock. So he calls on the phone and is all, "Hey, don't you answer your door when people knock? It's freezing out here." Like he thinks he might freeze off important body parts or something.

Comments

[fragrantwoods.livejournal.com]

Aide: I don't know Deadwood. I don't get HBO.

Bravo for not doing a "you're dead to me" right there on the spot.

Last year, I innocently posted on FB that I was thinking about a True Blood theme for my retirement party. Did not know that the infamous "2 nekkid vampire guys and a girl, all bloody" Rolling Stone cover was out that week.

Numerous wall comments ensued.

"a street gang of porn stealers" sounds like a tongue-twister.

Dude, dwarf Al is so going to rule that movie.I can't wait.

[dodger-sister.livejournal.com]

You know, it's weird because we don't get HBO either, so I can't disown people for that. I only discovered Deadwood because a friend recced it to me. Had I not been so caught up in the whole vampire/werewolf mpreg conversation, I think the proper response would have been "Well, let me tell you a story about this man named Seth Bullock and a place called Deadwood..."

Did not know that the infamous "2 nekkid vampire guys and a girl, all bloody" Rolling Stone cover was out that week.

Numerous wall comments ensued.

lmao Dude. I imagine people thought you were going very bold with your party choices. ;)

"a street gang of porn stealers" sounds like a tongue-twister.

It does, right?

Dude, dwarf Al is so going to rule that movie.I can't wait.

I can already forsee cracky crossovers that will fall from my brain once this movie hits theaters.

[wolfrider89.livejournal.com]

*breaks down laughing* Oh God, bb, you just made my NIGHT with this. It's true, though, True Blood is totally vampire porn. I miss it. :P

[dodger-sister.livejournal.com]

hahaha Baby, seriously, I left therapy and I thought, "I have to post this conversation on my LJ. You know who is going to love this story? Wolfie."

I don't know what it says about our friendship that vampire/werewolf mpreg crack makes me think of you, but there it is. 8)

We don't get HBO, so I don't actually watch True Blood but I know enough about it to know that it is vampire porn. I am sure it's going to be one of those shows, like Deadwood, that we Netlfix once it has completely gone off the air.

[wolfrider89.livejournal.com]

It makes me a little gooey on the inside that you thought of me. Tru fax. ;)

I don't know what it says about our friendship that vampire/werewolf mpreg crack makes me think of you, but there it is. 8)
Hahahahaha, I'm pretty sure it says awesome things. Totally awesome things.

I watch True Blood in bursts. I wait for like half the season, then I watch 7 eps in a row, and then I wait for the rest of the season to catch up. It's just kind of... intense. Has to be experienced all at once. :P And it's totally vampire porn. At one point, there's even the possibility of a m/m/f threesome, and I cannot tell you enough how much I wanted that to happen. Gnnngh, Alexander Skarsgård, the things you do to me.

[matchboximpala.livejournal.com]

I love you.

[dodger-sister.livejournal.com]

OMG. /dies laughing/ I love that your response to this is just to declare your love for me. This comment has made me so happy.

I love you too, babe.

[denig37]

I bet for a second there, he actually thought he missed me. And then I talked about werewolf/vampire mpreg.

Oh how I missed your therapy stories :-D
They are always the best (together with your little bad-ass Nephew) :-D
I love Kevin more and more with every post you make :-D
Seriously, I'm his big fan :-D

[dodger-sister.livejournal.com]

I often wonder what kind of conversations Kevin has with his other patients. Do you think they talk about the weather?

lol Kevin is being fangirled by fangirls! Too bad he'll never know.

(my nephew is bad-ass, yay!)

[denig37]

Lol, either weather or you (AKA this funny chick that's his patient) :-D

Aww, that's too bad, we could build him a shrine and all that :-D

[dodger-sister.livejournal.com]

O.M.G. What? NO. I am so creeped out right now. Smiley Face has never been so freaky before.

Apparently all you have to do in this world to get a shrine is talk about vampire/werewolf mpreg - but if that were the case, than half of fandom would have shrines by now. 8P

[denig37]

That's the most random shit I ever put together in a pic :-D (and I have done a few weird things *coughs* dragon in pink fuzzy slippers *coughs*) :-D

[dodger-sister.livejournal.com]

dragon in pink fuzzy slippers

I was gonna ask but then I decided I don't even want to know. 8)

[denig37]

Smart move :-D

[vikingprincess]

Mua ha haaaaa, what an awesome set of conversations!

[dodger-sister.livejournal.com]

Sometimes words just come out of my mouth and then I am like, "Huh, am I in the middle of a conversation about vampire/werewolf mpreg?"

I just roll with it. 8)

[ranua.livejournal.com]

Boo sleet!

Damn girl! you need a don't drink and read warning on this post! I so love your therapy stories. You have the best conversations with those people :D (normal conversations are overrated don't ya know)

I bet for a second there, he actually thought he missed me. And then I talked about werewolf/vampire mpreg. I swear that's a title to something or really profound or something.

Also this, this is awesome: Kevin: Wow. If those two dudes had a baby together, it would be like the best looking kid on the planet.

[dodger-sister.livejournal.com]

The sleet was the craziest fucking thing, out of nowhere.

Damn girl! you need a don't drink and read warning on this post!

lol Oops, my bad.

I bet for a second there, he actually thought he missed me. And then I talked about werewolf/vampire mpreg. ---- I swear that's a title to something or really profound or something.

I feel like it is the tile to the book of my life or something.

Ikr. I can't believe Kevin was the one to start the Mpreg conversation and not me. I am so shocked. He is wrong of course - the best looking kid on the planet would come from some sort of pairing involving Jensen Ackles, but I can correct him on that later. 8)

[queenklu.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, BB! HOW IS THIS YOUR LIFE? You win at all conversations ever, I am completely in awe. ♥______♥

[dodger-sister.livejournal.com]

HOW IS THIS YOUR LIFE?

lol I ask myself that all the time, bb. I knew you'd appreciate the random crack that was this conversation.

If the people from my therapy clinic watched Merlin with your family, I think we would have the best conversation in the history of the world, right there.

<3 <3 <3 <3

[flawed-x-design.livejournal.com]

HHAHAHAHA!! You are too awesome.
My conversations are never as epic as yours!
FYI though, we recently have actually turned stem cells into sperm, so we actually don't really 'need' men for anything anymore :S lol!
A+++++ for ranting about Twilight. I encourage it always.

Me and the OM together: Vampire Porn.
Kevin: This just got weird.
LMAO!!

and "a street gang of porn stealers"?!?! hahahaha do I even want to know?? (the answer is always yes)

You have the best stories, they always crack me up XD

[dodger-sister.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I am in the middle of one of these conversations and I think, "Am I really talking about this right now?" It's almost an out-of-body experience sometimes. 8)

FYI though, we recently have actually turned stem cells into sperm,

Wait...like can you take stem cells from a female and then turn it into sperm? Or do you get the stem cells from some place else? My mind is blown by this.

Well you asked so..."a street gang of porn stealers" was in reference to how me, my little brother and the kid down the street use to steal underwear magazines and the inserts from the kid's dad's nudie magazines as our porn when we were kids. We were a street gang of porn stealers. I love when Kevin laughs so hard he has to put his head down and this totally did the trick.

Thanks, bb!

[flawed-x-design.livejournal.com]

Haha. That's so great. I have those sometimes. Or sometimes when I'm on the internet checking my emails and I somehow end up watching 7 minutes of Arnold Schwarzenegger screaming, (literally a compilation of him screaming from all his movies) and I stop and go....how is this my life?

I know I've saved the articles somewhere, from more reliable sources, but a quick google search (without massive amounts of lingo) yielded this:
Scientists have managed to create human sperm cells using a female embryonic stem cell.
The researchers, led by Prof Karim Nayernia, had previously created primitive sperm cells from male bone marrow. They’re currently working on making the cells from female bone marrow, which would be much easier and more practical than creating them from embryos.

It's been done quite a few places. It hasn't been perfected yet (the 'sperm' doesn't have enough genetic material to allow for it to be used without undergoing meiosis and the tails of the sperms are too short lol but they've apparently overcome the hardest step) but it's really creepily amazing. /Trying not to ramble!

HAHA. That's so cute! That reminds me of this radio show I listen to here, and a chick called in and said that when they were kids they found a bunch of porn videos at one of the parents' house, so the kids (a mix of girls and guys) would put it on, but then go outside and watch through the window, so that if an adult heard/saw it they could run away hahaha.

[dodger-sister.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the info on stem cells. I am always amazed at what they can do.

porn videos at one of the parents' house, so the kids (a mix of girls and guys) would put it on, but then go outside and watch through the window, so that if an adult heard/saw it they could run away hahaha

hahaha We actually ran an extension cord out of the house into the barn in the backyard and hooked up a TV, so we could use the barn as a clubhouse of sorts. I know what my brother and his friends were watching down there while I was at work. ;)

[flawed-x-design.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! Me too!!


haha, that's awesome. I love that people always go to so much effort to be sneaky but wouldn't dream of putting the same energy into something more productive lol. *Also guilty of this*